Marriage: I Do. I Don’t. I Will. I Won’t.

My views on marriage constantly change. On Monday afternoon, I may see a cute, happy couple with 2.5 beautiful kids and I want to just take the plunge. Be like Nike and Just Do It!  Thursday morning rolls around and I talk to friends who are going through a painful divorce and bam! *throws hands up*  I vow to never, ever go down that road (or aisle in this case).  And then there are my “Carrie Bradshaw” days.  Times where I’m livin’ it up with my girls, shopping with no boundaries or having Sunday brunch with special friends at my favorite spot.  In those moments I sit back, bask in my independence, smile and think…life is good.

It’s not that I don’t believe in the principle of marriage. It’s quite the opposite. I see marriage as a joint venture. And like any great merger, selecting the right partner for long term compatibility is critical.  I think…marriage is one of the most important decisions in a person’s life.  It’s one of the most important commitments that someone will make during their lifetime.  And when I do it—if I do it, I want to be certain it’s right.  Not perfect, but right.

I have friends (and family members) who have successful, loving marriages and I admire them so much. But can I keep it real for a sec?  I have even more friends who have struggled to find that happy place with their spouses. The results: infidelity, depression, insecurities, divorce and…drama!  

I had a conversation recently with a good friend whose marriage ended after only a few years.  The Virgo in me had to know, what went wrong?  There were several things, but the main issue: He and his ex-wife were in different places in their lives.  He wanted ‘this’ and she wanted ‘that’.   

I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever get married.  But what I do know is this: I will always be honest with myself.  I’ll listen to my heart and my head. And I’ll make the best decision for me, and no one else. 

And that’s how I’m feeling...today.  Two weeks from now could be a whole other story!  So stay tuned....

Bullies Beware – There’s a New Sheriff in Town

You’ve seen it.  That YouTube video where the scrawny little kid (the bully), no more than 80 pounds taunts, hits (three times) and harasses another kid at school. The kid who’s being taunted eventually fights back, body slams the bully and…game over.  *drop the mic & fade to black*  The :40 second video reminds me of a clip from WWE SmackDown!

Now, I normally don’t condone violence, but I have to be honest.  I was glad to see that bully get a beat down.  He deserved it… Yeah, I said it.  And by all accounts, most of the world agrees with me. I think there was a collective cheer heard all around the world when that kid fought back.  Why?  The bully represented the oppressor, the abuser, the mean girl, the evil boss, etc. It was a Rocky Balboa moment!  And it kinda felt like a revolution!

But seriously, bullying is very real problem in this country, and I hate it.  Every time I read a story, hear a news report or see a mom on TV mourning the loss of her kid who’s committed suicide (because they were bullied), I cringe.  It makes me mad, sad, disgusted, and I sometimes feel a sense of hopelessness for the up & coming generation.    

The truth is…we (myself included) need to ask ourselves some honest questions. What makes a kid think it’s OK for him/her to hurt someone else?  Is it something they’ve learned?  Is it a lack of discipline from their parents/guardians?  Low self-esteem?   Where does it all come from?  

I surely don’t have the answers.  But I do know what it feels like to be bullied.  I wasn’t physically traumatized, but I was relentlessly teased as a kid because of my weight.  Elementary school was difficult for me and the bullies didn’t make it any better.  But that was then and this is now….no need to dwell on the past.  

It’s not easy standing up to a bully.  I often think about the kids who don’t have the strength, both physically & mentally to process and execute that kind of courage.  And should they? After all, they’re just kids!  Some adults can’t even do it.

The bottom line is this: Kids should be able to go to school, learn, feel safe and enjoy that experience. In a perfect world, teachers, parents, communities and law enforcement would work together to recognize bullying, and enforce zero-tolerance rules against it.  Period. 

Until then, we may start seeing a lot more of these “Bully Beatdown” videos…         

Hip-Hop: A Love Letter

One thing that really surprises people about me is that I’m a huge fan of hip-hop music. Huge.  I literally have thousands of songs on my iPod and a large portion of my personal catalog is hip-hop.  Old school, new-school, conscious rap, southern rap, alternative rap, crunk stuff, Miami bass, you name it!

I think it’s the creative artist in me.  To me, rappers are just modern day poets.  They have the unique ability to take complex, controversial and often times painful life experiences, and create stories.  Stories that I, me *points to self* can relate to.  That’s so dope to me! 

I mean, who would think that a kid from the Marcy Housing Projects in Brooklyn, a former drug dealer who was abandoned by his father, could write ‘Song Cry’? One of the most beautiful love songs I think I’ve ever heard.  It’s a familiar script: Boy meets girl. They fall in love.  Boy messes up (big time).  Boy loses girl.  End of story.  But there’s a twist to this story. The break-up was so bad that dude wants to break down and cry, but instead he raps “I can’t see ‘em (tears) comin down my eyes, so I gotta make this song cry.”  And that he does.      

The end product: A 5-minute emotional hip-hop love letter to his beloved lost "one".  Brilliant.  A part of my heart aches every time I hear that song.

So, I guess this post is my love letter to hip-hop…

You (hip-hop) are…an old friend who’s still young, hot and exciting. I love that you challenge me to think outside of the box and you constantly remind me that it’s not always about the package, but the message instead. I admit, I don’t always understand you.  But I do understand the method to your madness.  I admire your history.  And I can’t wait for other generations to experience you the way I that have.

My love for you can be summed up with a question. “Oh you fancy, huh?”  Yes…yes you are.

My Top 10 All-Time Favorite Hip-Hop Songs

1. Keep Ya Head Up – Tupac (My favorite rapper of ALL time!)
2. Int’l Player’s Anthem – Outkast
3. Song Cry - Jay-Z (Tupac is my #1, Jay is #2)
4. Cha Cha Cha – MC Lyte (My favorite female MC)
5. One More Chance - B.I.G.
6. Flava In Ya Ear - Craig Mack (I’m probably his #1 fan)
7. Music – Eric Sermon
8. Empire State of Mind - Jay-Z & Alicia Keys (Best collab in hip-hop history)
9. Rapper’s Delight – Sugarhill Gang (The intro alone makes me smile)
10. One Mic – Nas (Deep…very deep)

                                                                             "Song Cry"

Smart Chicks Wear Stilettos!

A male friend recently said to me: Chicks who wear red lipstick and stilettos look good, but usually have little substance. Huh?  Now, I proudly confess…I’m a girly girl (sticks out chest).  I love to shop, wear stilettos, buy make-up, bake cookies and anything else that screams GIRL! And yes, I love the color pink! I thank LJC (Lord Jesus Christ) daily for making me a woman.  *Side Note: He really outdid himself when he made us women. Yes He did.*  But that’s just one side of me.  And like most women, I have many sides. 

Like any other red-blooded American girl, I love a good shoe sale at Nordstrom’s. But I get equally excited about a town hall meeting with my Congressman; even more hyped about teaching a class full of 6^th graders on Junior Achievement day.  I love pedicures, but on any given Saturday, you’ll find me at my neighborhood Barnes & Noble with a good book and an even better caramel macchiato.  Get the picture?  

So guys, don’t let the stilettos and red (or pink) lipstick fool you!  Take a sec to get to know a woman.  Don’t judge a book by its cover. Take time to learn what’s inside. You just might be surprised by what you find.                                               

                          ** Famous Smart Chicks Who Rock Stilettos **

Madonna, Pop Culture Icon
Kimora Lee Simmons, Businesswoman, Philanthropist, Top Model, etc.
Mellody Hobson, President of Ariel Invesments, LLC
Angelina Jolie, Philanthropist, Actress
Desiree Rogers, CEO of Johnson Publishing
Candace Bushnell, Best-selling Author (Sex and the City, etc.)
Dr. Lisa Masterson, Women’s Healthcare Pioneer (featured on The Doctors)
Judge Glenda Hatchett, TV Personality, Author, Philanthropist
Sarah Jessica Parker, Hollywood Power-Player

Desiree Rogers, CEO of Johnson Publishing

Pretty Little Girls

If you looked up “girly-girl” in the dictionary, there’d be a picture of me sitting there in a fabulous pink dress, with my legs neatly crossed, face beat, lips shining (Lip gloss is my favorite!), drinking some afternoon tea, and reading my most recent copy of Cosmopolitan magazine.

I really do love all of that stuff!  So it was a surprise to some people (those who don’t really know me), that I was bothered by Walmart’s recent announcement about their new line of beauty products.  Beauty products – no big deal right?  Did I mention this line is tailored for girls between the ages of 8 and 12?  It’s being branded as an “anti-aging” line designed for “young skin” and it will feature blush, mascara, lipstick and face shimmer. 

Lipstick and blush for 8 year-olds?  Seriously??? 

I’m not mad at Walmart for deciding to run this campaign. They’re a business, and businesses are in the business of making money. Point blank.  And the beauty industry is BIG MONEY.  What frustrates me is the message that this is sending to young girls.  To me, it reinforces an unhealthy focus on exterior, superficial, physical beauty.   

The vanity obsession is everywhere.  Turn on the television on any given day and you’ll see young women who are consumed with their appearance. Part of it is just being insecure (We’ve all been there.)  And companies know that. That’s why they spend millions on marketing campaigns that focus on the beauty benefits of their product.  Get it?   

Yes, I enjoy wearing make-up, but I’m a woman who’s comfortable and confident in her own skin (with or without lip gloss). Young girls should be encouraged to be smart, outspoken, compassionate and fearless. And they should be reminded that real beauty doesn’t come from the perfect shade of face powder.  It comes from within and is always accompanied with great humility.    

Let's leave the lipstick and blush on the shelf where it belongs.    

Uncle Luke - Miami's Next Mayor?

Disclaimer:

Let me preface this post by saying upfront that I was born and raised in Florida.  Therefore I have a certain affinity for Luke and his music (affectionately known as “Miami Bass”). **pause for a collective gasp** 

Most people know him as Luke, or Uncle Luke, but his government name is Luther Campbell.  He was the outspoken leader of one of the most popular rap groups of all time, the 2 Live Crew.  His trademark: His controversial ‘nasty as he wanna be’ booty-shaking music that dominated the charts in the 80’s. But he’s also known for his highly publicized obscenity case that challenged the Supreme Court to defend free speech --A music censorship victory and a major win for the entertainment industry.   

Not only did he sell millions of records and make gobs of money, but he was the founder of Luke Records, the first independent black owned record company owned by a rapper. He was also was one of the first artists to distribute his own music.

It’s 2011 now and Luke’s a husband, and a dad.  He’s a different man.  But one thing about him that hasn’t changed…he’s still controversial as hell!  Up next, politics.  Yes—the man who wrote hits like "Do Wah Diddy Diddy" and "Me So Hor*y" is seriously considering entering the race to become Miami’s next mayor.  Sounds crazy right?  Not to me.  Here’s why:

In most cities in Florida, Luke is considered a legend (I’m dead serious) and in the world of hip-hop, he’s an icon (If you don't believe me, ask Jay-Z).  Luke was born and raised in Miami.  He's a smart and successful businessman who genuinely loves the city, and is committed to making it better.  Although he’s somewhat retired from the music biz, he’s still very connected to young people.  He currently serves as assistant football coach for Miami-Dade Central High School and is a very active philanthropist in his community.  Luke is brutally honest and forthcoming about his past and the present (He’s transparent--what you see is what you get!)

And lastly, Luke is no stranger to politics.  He was a very outspoken supporter of many Get Out The Vote campaigns during the 2008 Presidential election, and he frequently gives national commentary about current political issues (He's actively engaged in the political process.) 

You think it's silly, absurd and impossible that Luther "Luke" Campbell could be the next mayor of Miami? Think again.....    

Luther "Luke" Campbell

(PINK) Public Service Announcement

Martin Luther King, Jr. day is officially observed on January 17^th.  Some folks see it as the most-awaited first holiday break of the year and some see it as a time to reflect and rejoice.  I choose the latter. 

Dr. King’s life is a movement and it didn’t end in 1968.  I was a part of it in 2008, when President Obama became the 44^th President of the United States.  I can experience it 24-hours a day on a cable network called OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) and I’m encouraged by it when I think of people like Bill Gates, Marian Edelman and Hydeia Broadbent.

My favorite quote by Dr. King is actually a question:

"Life's most urgent question is: What are you doing for others?"

My answer: Not enough.  What's yours?

(Marriage/Relationship) Digital Media 10 Commandments

Leon Walker thought his wife was having an affair, so he logged into her email account to get proof.  He was right.  Now he’s facing felony charges in Michigan for violating an anti-hacking computer law.  It got me to thinking…  Husbands, wives, partners & others: Knowledge is power!  It may keep you out of jail and divorce court too!  So, raise your right hand, place it over your heart and repeat the following:  

                 (Marriage/Relationship) Digital Media 10 Commandmants

1. Honor thy marriage/relationship (ALWAYS)
2. Thou shall learn the digital landscape (Before you buy a car/house, you do research right?)
3. Thou shall choose strong passwords (Not 'medium' strength ones and definitely not 'weak' ones)
4. Thou shall not hack into thy spouse’s personal accounts/email without permission (If you have to hack, you already know what's up)
5. Thou shall disclose marital status on all social media sites (i.e. Facebook) where applicable (People will often assume you're single, and....drama could ensue)  
6. Thou shall not sweat the small stuff (Get the facts first)  
7. Thou shall not use digital media (text, email, tweets) to replace real-life verbal conversations
8. Thou shall not spend more than 5-7 hours a week on social media sites (Ditto for xBox & Playstation) 
9. Thou shall re-read all updates (postings, tweets, text, emails) before pressing ‘send’
10. Thou shall always remember Commandment #1 

 

Arizona Shooting: Is Free Speech Free?

The  Arizona Shooting.  I’ve been watching in disbelief as the reports continue to roll in.  A congresswoman shot in the head, 13 wounded and six confirmed deaths, including a 9 year-old and a federal judge? What makes this even more disturbing is that this tragedy stemmed from recent heated political rhetoric around issues such as health care legislation and immigration.

Anyone who knows me knows - I’m always down for a good political debate. And I love discussing the issues with people who don’t agree with me.  It’s both enlightening and reaffirming. I admit, sometimes it gets heated because I’m passionate about what I believe. Who isn’t? 

I’m also passionate about writing. Super passionate about the First Amendment. This law is in place to protect and promote freedom of information, expression, and petition. The First Amendment = the blueprint for personal freedom.  It's freedom of speech!  Period.  My motto is this: “I may not agree with what you’re saying, but I’ll always support your right to say it.”

Sadly, people died in Arizona because one person didn’t agree with another person’s position on important issues. It makes me ask, is free speech really free?  Not for the Arizona victims.  They’ve paid the ultimate price for something most of us take for granted. Was it worth it? 

9 year-old victim Christina Taylor Green and her mom

 

Smiling Like Miss Celie

I’m terrible at receiving compliments.  Most times I just say thanks and smile like Miss Celie. Other times I feel the need to explain, justify or just return the compliment.  And then—and this is the worst, there are times when I just won’t take it!  I’ll actually come up with things to say to weaken a flattering remark.  It's the weirdest thing ever.  Here’s how the conversation goes:

Person A:  Steff, you really look cute tonight.
Person B:  Yeah, you’re workin’ that dress.
Me:  Oh please, I could stand to lose 20 lbs. If it weren’t for Spanx, I’d be…

Why do I do that?!?  Reason #1: I’m kinda shy and I don’t like a lot of attention. Reason #2 (the real reason): Compliments make me a bit uncomfortable.  In some ways I feel like if I believe the “hype” of a compliment, I’ll become arrogant and shallow. Truth is, I’m not arrogant or shallow.  I’m unassuming and humble.  I want to stay that way forever and ever (corny, but true.)

I often wonder, will I ever get to a place where I can just accept and embrace a compliment in the spirit in which it’s intended to be?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Until then, I’ll just keep smiling like Miss Celie….       

Miss Celie from The Color Purple



What's Your Theme Song For 2011?

I do it every year.  It's my own quirky little tradition.  It's kinda silly and fun, but it also gives me an opportunity to set the tone for my upcoming year.  One year I chose to celebrate to Ms. Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman" cuz that's what I was feeling.  I had gone through alot and I was so proud of myself!  I knew that anything else that came my way--I mean ANYTHING, I could handle it.  And you know what?  I was right!  That was a damn good year for me.  It hasn't always been good though.  There were times where I felt uncertain about my future and I turned to spiritual songs to help me get through...life. Shout-Out: to Yolanda Adams, Marvin Sapp and Fred Hammond for their inspirational messages through the gift of music.  And ohhhh, I can't believe I'm admitting this, but one year I even "Stepped In The Name Of Love" with R. Kelly when I was head-over-heels in love with one of my best friends (that relationship was...I'll save that for another post). Silly-right?

Fast forward to 2011: Time to choose a new song. And I'm not one to break tradition, so here it goes...  Ladies and Gents, my theme song for 2011 is **drum roll** "I Feel Good" by one of my favorite singers Mary J. Blige!  This song simply describes where I am in my life at this moment. And it says it all:  "I feel like the moon is shining just for me... Don't try to bring me down--though it's not like you could."   *_-  (that's a wink)         

"I feel too damn good!"  Enough said... Happy New Year!!  What's your theme song?

Note: Theme songs can change throughout the year.  Just because you choose a song doesn't mean you have to stick to that song all year.  You can switch it up based on where you are in your life.  I've had up to 4 theme songs in one year! (Don't judge me...I was going through some stuff.) :)