Just Say No (Confessions of a Former People Pleaser)

Hi! My name is Stephanie and I’m a former people pleaser. In my case, being a people pleaser didn’t just happen overnight.  I was born that way…it’s how I came into the world.  It’s how God made me.  And for a really long time (too long actually), I thought it was just “the way I am.”

I’m the oldest of five, so helping others and doing for others is second nature to me. I’ve always been the easy-going type (easy to get along with and positive), and I genuinely want everyone around me to be happy and content.  Classic traits of a people pleaser!  *Sidenote: Believe it or not, most people who have the “disease to please” are women.  Think about it…

I thought…saying no to someone made me less empathetic, less caring (less of a woman, maybe?) and slightly self-absorbed.  For years, I let “friends” drift in and out of my life as they pleased.  Only reconnecting with me when they wanted or needed something… I have to shake my head sometimes when I think about the woman I use to be.  I even laugh about it sometimes because at the end of the day, being a people pleaser is 100% preventable.  And I take full responsibility for not getting off the yes treadmill sooner.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with pleasing people.  For me, helping someone or making someone smile unexpectedly or just being a positive influence in someone’s life is priceless. The problem arises when the need to please others consistently trump our own needs and wants. 

The light bulb finally came on for me. I had to learn to say no (politely, of course). It’s what I call the ‘yes’ diet. It’s not about stopping the pleasing altogether, it’s about being more aware and in tune with myself and my feelings.  It’s about doing more of what I want to do and less of what others think I should do.

It takes a lot of courage to say no sometimes.  It’s not always the easiest thing.  It can be uncomfortable, but it’s something I know I have to do.  It's not about being insensitive, selfish or unkind. Not at all!  For me it's pretty simple: Each "No" is a small step towards becoming a better "Me".  And I'm cool with that..... 

  

(PINK) Public Service Announcement

Martin Luther King, Jr. day is officially observed on January 17^th.  Some folks see it as the most-awaited first holiday break of the year and some see it as a time to reflect and rejoice.  I choose the latter. 

Dr. King’s life is a movement and it didn’t end in 1968.  I was a part of it in 2008, when President Obama became the 44^th President of the United States.  I can experience it 24-hours a day on a cable network called OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) and I’m encouraged by it when I think of people like Bill Gates, Marian Edelman and Hydeia Broadbent.

My favorite quote by Dr. King is actually a question:

"Life's most urgent question is: What are you doing for others?"

My answer: Not enough.  What's yours?

(Marriage/Relationship) Digital Media 10 Commandments

Leon Walker thought his wife was having an affair, so he logged into her email account to get proof.  He was right.  Now he’s facing felony charges in Michigan for violating an anti-hacking computer law.  It got me to thinking…  Husbands, wives, partners & others: Knowledge is power!  It may keep you out of jail and divorce court too!  So, raise your right hand, place it over your heart and repeat the following:  

                 (Marriage/Relationship) Digital Media 10 Commandmants

1. Honor thy marriage/relationship (ALWAYS)
2. Thou shall learn the digital landscape (Before you buy a car/house, you do research right?)
3. Thou shall choose strong passwords (Not 'medium' strength ones and definitely not 'weak' ones)
4. Thou shall not hack into thy spouse’s personal accounts/email without permission (If you have to hack, you already know what's up)
5. Thou shall disclose marital status on all social media sites (i.e. Facebook) where applicable (People will often assume you're single, and....drama could ensue)  
6. Thou shall not sweat the small stuff (Get the facts first)  
7. Thou shall not use digital media (text, email, tweets) to replace real-life verbal conversations
8. Thou shall not spend more than 5-7 hours a week on social media sites (Ditto for xBox & Playstation) 
9. Thou shall re-read all updates (postings, tweets, text, emails) before pressing ‘send’
10. Thou shall always remember Commandment #1 

 

Smiling Like Miss Celie

I’m terrible at receiving compliments.  Most times I just say thanks and smile like Miss Celie. Other times I feel the need to explain, justify or just return the compliment.  And then—and this is the worst, there are times when I just won’t take it!  I’ll actually come up with things to say to weaken a flattering remark.  It's the weirdest thing ever.  Here’s how the conversation goes:

Person A:  Steff, you really look cute tonight.
Person B:  Yeah, you’re workin’ that dress.
Me:  Oh please, I could stand to lose 20 lbs. If it weren’t for Spanx, I’d be…

Why do I do that?!?  Reason #1: I’m kinda shy and I don’t like a lot of attention. Reason #2 (the real reason): Compliments make me a bit uncomfortable.  In some ways I feel like if I believe the “hype” of a compliment, I’ll become arrogant and shallow. Truth is, I’m not arrogant or shallow.  I’m unassuming and humble.  I want to stay that way forever and ever (corny, but true.)

I often wonder, will I ever get to a place where I can just accept and embrace a compliment in the spirit in which it’s intended to be?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Until then, I’ll just keep smiling like Miss Celie….       

Miss Celie from The Color Purple



What's Your Theme Song For 2011?

I do it every year.  It's my own quirky little tradition.  It's kinda silly and fun, but it also gives me an opportunity to set the tone for my upcoming year.  One year I chose to celebrate to Ms. Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman" cuz that's what I was feeling.  I had gone through alot and I was so proud of myself!  I knew that anything else that came my way--I mean ANYTHING, I could handle it.  And you know what?  I was right!  That was a damn good year for me.  It hasn't always been good though.  There were times where I felt uncertain about my future and I turned to spiritual songs to help me get through...life. Shout-Out: to Yolanda Adams, Marvin Sapp and Fred Hammond for their inspirational messages through the gift of music.  And ohhhh, I can't believe I'm admitting this, but one year I even "Stepped In The Name Of Love" with R. Kelly when I was head-over-heels in love with one of my best friends (that relationship was...I'll save that for another post). Silly-right?

Fast forward to 2011: Time to choose a new song. And I'm not one to break tradition, so here it goes...  Ladies and Gents, my theme song for 2011 is **drum roll** "I Feel Good" by one of my favorite singers Mary J. Blige!  This song simply describes where I am in my life at this moment. And it says it all:  "I feel like the moon is shining just for me... Don't try to bring me down--though it's not like you could."   *_-  (that's a wink)         

"I feel too damn good!"  Enough said... Happy New Year!!  What's your theme song?

Note: Theme songs can change throughout the year.  Just because you choose a song doesn't mean you have to stick to that song all year.  You can switch it up based on where you are in your life.  I've had up to 4 theme songs in one year! (Don't judge me...I was going through some stuff.) :)